Crashing During Covid

BY ANONYMOUS

Remember that last scene from Thelma and Louise, where they drive off the cliff, smiling and holding hands? 

I feel like that except I’m alone and instead of a smile, I have tears, sorrow and am full of regrets. 

They say crises will bring out the best and the worst in people, and maybe that’s true, except I can’t seem to find the best during this COVID pandemic. Just the worst. 

 

People hoarding groceries and medical supplies. 

People travelling then not self-isolating post travel. 

People complaining (and threatening a College complaint) when their 3 or 6month follow-up is postponed by another 4-6 weeks. 

My children whining and screaming “I hate you” because I cancelled March Break vacation, I didn’t let them go see their friends and made still them do some sort of “homework” during their “time off”. 

Friends of friends, calling up for “favors” (can I get them some gloves? Some masks? Can I call in a script that’s about to be expired?).  

My ex-husband threatening to sue for me full custody because I’m “high-risk” to my children and my home is no longer a safe environment. 

My husband complaining about everything. 

 

I used to love my profession. 

I used to love working, even if it meant several weeks at a time, on-call and/or in clinic, phone or text or emails always ready to be answered.

I used to love feeling needed by my family and my patients; but all I feel now is rage and resentment, and, of course, regret for feeling this rage and resentment. 

 

I’m at a loss.

Doing all the “right stuff”; meditation and therapy.

Trying to practice “loving kindness” and “compassion” towards myself.  

But I’m failing and I feel like I’m crashing down a hill and coming to the edge of a cliff.

 


2 comments

  • I, like many others, travel a parallel road. Some are more honest in admitting it.
    Now that we have spoken out loud, we can admit we are vulnerable and see self-care.
    Here is a virtual hug to receive and share on when ready

    Mnlavaz
  • Thank you for sharing this. It took courage to do this. You are not alone. This is grief. For the loss of what once was and knowing that things will never be the same.

    Siobhan M Muldowney

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